As I Please: Rupert Murdoch's Brave New Rules For The Great Ever-Altering Game Of Worldly Dominion
So now we know how it happened, at last.
Bill Shorten was 'rewarded', wrongly it seems, for making Gillard the leader, or so we are told by the Murdoch decrypters who selflessly search out and ponder these things. And Tanya Plibersek, who stuck by Rudd through his last hours and spoke out against Gillard leading, was also 'rewarded', for some reason, for being Gillard's enemy. And Mark Arbib, whose factional numbers cut down Beazley midstream and uplifted Rudd into the empty saddle was also 'rewarded' (if you can keep up with this logic) in spite of his having wrongly done this, because he changed his mind later on; and Kim Carr punished because he did not.
I hope all this is now perfectly clear.
Because 'reward', the Murdoch moral philosophers currently tell us very persuasively, is a bad, bad thing. The man who saves the nation from Rudd should be punished for it, not rewarded, much as a man who saves a child from drowning is always rightly punished for it. Well, isn't he? Of course he is. Shorten helped the Party get rid of Rudd, and thus keep Abbott out of the Lodge and a probable twenty years of wayward, malicious, hydrophobic power, so Shorten should be punished for it. Of course he should.
Where did this new rule come from? That good deeds should not be rewarded?
For it's very, very, very, very new. Chesley Sullenberger, the pilot who brought his disabled plane down in the Hudson and so saved a lot of lives, was acclaimed not condemned for it. The crack team under Yoni Netanyahu, Bibi's brother, who rescued the Entebbe hostages were highly praised for it, and given medals. The team under Howard Florey who invented penicillin and saved a billion lives got the Nobel Prize for it, not prison. Yet the team who rescued us from an Abbott-Hockey-Bishop-Truss-Morrison-Barnaby Era and a restored and brutish WorkChoices must cop a shellacking for it, under the new, bizarre, infallible Murdoch rules-of-thumb.
For Murdoch and his people understand well that any word can be made to seem bad if it is said with a certain vocal colouring. 'Liberal', for instance, and 'Leftist', and 'Bleeding Heart', which describe the sort of people who favour a fair go for other human beings, are made to sound evil, or mad, or laughably mistaken, merely from the way the word is said, and repeatedly said, or sarcastically said, or with waggled forefingers satirically said. I and Marr and Mungo and Phillip Adams are called 'tired old Lefties' because we do not favour, say, the torture of children in Woomera, or the killing of children for WMD they don't have, and their parents and uncles and cousins don't have, and somehow this is a bad thing. How is it a bad thing?
It was also thought by Murdoch that if you say,'Do you know who I am?' to a Woy Woy waiter you should lose your future in politics for this, even after the Woy Woy waiter is shown to be schtupping a staffer of the Robertson Liberal candidate and may well have made the whole thing up. It was thought by Murdoch that because Gordon Brown used the word 'bigoted', accurately, in a private conversation that Sky News unlawfully bugged, he should lose the Prime Ministership for it; and he did, indeed he did.
It is thought by Murdoch that if you suggest some people or group of people were behind anything that has happened you are subscribing to a 'conspiracy theory' and only fools do that, since Caesar, Jesus, Thomas A Becket, Richard II, Lady Jane Grey, Cranmer, Essex, Ralegh, Charles I, Louis XVI, Danton, Robespierre, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, Martin Luther King, Robert Kennedy, Gerald Ford, Olaf Palme, Jenny Lindh, Uday Hussein, Qusay Saddam, Osama Bin Laden and Moammar Ghaddafi were all killed or shot at by lone madmen and there is never more than one person involved in any murder and only an idiot, a 'conspiracy theorist', would think so. There are no conspiracies, ever. You'd be mad, really mad to think there were.
Murdoch makes up new sins: that's what he does in his day job most mornings, midnights and afternoons. Stephen Conroy uses the phrase 'fucking fantastic' and must, Newscorp now says, be sent to the backbench for it. 'Fucking fantastic' is a phrase that is used, or heard without offence, by eighteen million Australians every week. Yet Conroy must be sacked, or censured, or made to apologize, or otherwise publicly shamed for it. Howard need not apologize for having frogmarched us into a war that killed a hundred thousand children who did not, as he alleged, possess atomic bombs and neither did any adult around them, but Conroy saying 'fucking fantastic' is different, it's a serious matter. It's in a different category of plain and manifest iniquity from killing children. Saying 'fucking fantastic' is unforgiveable.
And 'reward' is unforgiveable too; rewarding your allies instead of your foes unthinkable. Rewarding good deeds like ousting the vapid sleepless dipstick tyrant Rudd is especially unthinkable, in the upside-down Murdoch world (like Alice's Wonderland) where all good deeds are punished.
They have to be.
Rupert said so.